Fantasy

Ever since I was awfully little, I learned a very important subject: Fantasy.

I heard and read lots and lots and lots of stories.

Over and over again.

Stories about fire-breathing dragons, talking animals, a powerful little girl, a scarred wizard, a genius boy, flying fairies, small bearded dwarves, other worlds behind the cupboard, a know-it-all compass, people diving into books. And I believed it all. I did with all my heart believe it to be real.

I’m turning 20 next Sunday and I’m still hoping to find a secret world around the corner. A world filled with adventure and magical beings. A world totally different from the one I live today. I live life, but if I could have my way, I would have jumped into so many different parallel realities so far. This is possible one of the reasons I chose to become a filmmaker: so that I could see this magic up close.

I am so tired of this complicated world. Tired of useless debates and nonsense arguments. I don’t pretend to think that these world don’t have problems, oh no, I’m quite sure they have. But the solutions, or at least the paths, are much more clear. Destroy evil, be brave and finish the quest.

Yeah, I could use those in real life, but since it isn’t scripted, it doesn’t happen that easily. I feel like a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by a knight in shining armour. I need someone to hold me tight whenever I’m cold and lonely, someone to call at whatever hour, someone who’s there for me, no matter what. Again, I’m imaging life as literature… This doesn’t happen.

However, I would be glad with the metaphorical version of a knight in shining armour, which is a doable solution to most my problems. So far, I’ve found a perfect one: going to study abroad. But there are monsters in my way, which my sword has yet to defeat. G-d, give me strength and courage.

The Graduation Dream

I had a very weird dream last night. I dream I was going to graduate in school (again) - I knew it was at school because I remember I would be meeting my German teachers. Well, the graduation would take place in two hours or so and I wasn't ready. I still had to do my hair. I know the dream didn't begin there, but the first thing I recall it going to the hair stylist with Ingrid, I think. The receptionist told me they were too busy, but I urged her, as it was an emergency. As it usually happens, she asked me to wait. I went to a sort of waiting room, but it was actually a movie theatre lobby - I'm not saying it makes sense. There I met Anna Israel and the three of us - Anna, Ingrid and me (although I have a vague sense that the twins were there as well) - talked for a while. I distinctively remember Anna still with her broken foot, because she had it on a cushion. I suddenly remembered I was supposed to check the hair appointment, so I went outside and ran two blocks or so to it. Remember I had been in the waiting room - yeah, well... I got there and they had no time for me. OK, I though, no biggy, it's just my graduation. And I honestly didn't think much of it. I figured I should meet the girls in the movie theatre again, so I ran there. But I couldn't find it anywhere... I ran the two block, ran some more and nothing. I then ran back the other way, figuring I had gone wrong at some point. Then I found myself beside a field, where I met Laís, Guto and a bunch of other people I don't remember. They were sweet as always, but I was determined to find the theatre, so I ran off again. I finally gave up at some point and admitted I was lost. So I ran - yeah, I did a lot of running - back to the field to meet Laís and Guto again. The field was absolutely beautiful and I found them. I remember running some more, meeting some school seniors, not caring about what I would wear to graduation and being terribly late. That's all.

So... Now I wonder why I dreamt it. It has probably a lot to do with the fact that I'm part of the shooting crew of graduation at the university today. But as I sit here looking at the graduates coming in, I can't help, but to remember my own graduation, my Abitur graduation. My father was late as usual and I didn't take a single picture with my parents. Not one... I only realized this days later and I started sobbing in my bedroom. I felt as if they didn't care. I had taken loads of pictures, with my teachers, with my friends, FOR my friends with THEIR parents, but none with my own parents. We just forgot... This must mean something, right? What's wrong in a parent-child relationship for the parents not to care when their daughter graduates? I see here all the lighten aces beside me now. The fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters (my siblings couldn't come to graduation because they live in São Paulo... lame excuse), grandmothers, grandfathers, cousins... Some have brought flowers, cards with saying, cornets... I know my family won't bring a thing, they are just not the type.

I don't know if I dreamt what I did, because of this or if it was because I was shooting at the graduation... I just know I remembered me crying when I found out I had no pictures with them. It just isn't normal for parents and children to be like this. It just ain't. This was almost two years ago and right now, I've never felt so distant from my parents. We live in the same house, under the same roof, but we don't share a home. We don't share meals, we don't call each other, we barely talk. This just saddens me deeply and I have no idea how to react to this. I mean, they are the grown-ups here. My mum practically hates my guts and my father thinks I'm unstable. Seriously, they have no interest in my life - nor apparently I in theirs - and they know me way less than my closest friends.

PS: I honestly think Laís & Guto might have appeared in the dream, because they are a parenting figure, like when they held my hand to take the flu vaccine and when they baby-talk me into agreeing on something.

Grazie, Alfredo!

Pessoalmente, não há filme mais belo e inocente que “Cinema Paradiso” (“Nuovo Cinema Paradiso”, Itália, 1988), de Giuseppe Tornatore. Ele nos conta a história de Salvatore Di Vita (Jacques Perrin), que ao descobrir da morte de Alfredo (Philippe Noiret) se lança em um flashback de sua infância em sua cidade natal Giancaldo.

Salvatore, mais conhecido à época como Totó (Salvatore Cascio), era apenas uma criança quando conhece o Cinema Paradiso. Sempre arrumando confusão, cochilava na igreja como o coroinha; espiava pelas cortinas do cinema, enquanto o padre censurava as cenas; fingia machucar o pé para conseguir carona de bicicleta e ainda gastava o dinheiro do leite para ir ao Paradiso. Além disso, mesmo sem permissão, entrava na cabine do projetor Alfredo, de onde roubava alguns frames de negativos esquecidos. Como a imaginação infantil é interessante: com apenas um destes pedaços, ele já criava uma história.

A vida de Totó se resumia à escola com todas suas excentricidades e ao Paradiso. E no início dos anos 30, ir ao cinema era uma grande experiência: crianças imitavam os índios da tela, a comédia era super ingênua e beijos eram considerados pornografia. Até os adultos se comportavam como meninos, batendo palmas todos juntos para acordar um dorminhoco. É então, que através de uma pequena chantagem, Totó começa a trabalhar com Alfredo, que o ensina tudo sobre a projeção de um filme.
O tempo passa e vê-se a realidade da bella Itália: mulheres pintando na praça, muitos analfabetos que não entendem os intertítulos dos filmes, a máfia napolitana por trás de certos favores e os primeiros sinais da guerra. E assim Totó cresce, começa a documentar sua vida em 16mm e conhece Elena (Agnese Nano). E como em todo primeiro amor, é incrível as baboseiras que se faz, esperando tê-lo contribuído. Tudo caminha bem, no entanto, Salvatore deve ir embora, retornando nostálgico só anos depois para o funeral de Alfredo.
O longa-metragem presta atenção nos mínimos detalhes, como se fotografasse pequenos rituais do cotidiano – sinos batendo, mãos fazendo tricô, mulheres enchendo vasos d’água na fonte – e são esses momentos que dão o feeling do filme. Além disso, com a trilha sonora estupenda de Ennio Morricone, a simplicidade das vidas e a serenidade da cidadezinha tornam-se mágicas.
Incrivelmente metalingüístico, este é um filme que fala sobre filmes, se passa num cinema e conta a história de um cineasta. Assim é dificílimo ele não apelar aos cinéfilos, aos quais recomendo aguardarem a cena final, na qual é impossível não ficar arrepiado quando a promessa é cumprida.

Check Mate

Chess is life.
Everyone is a pawn in the immense board which is the world.
Every move is has meaning, crucial to determine the ending.
I'm just another piece in the board and every move around me influences my path. Thus I must learn how best to play the game and find out which role to play on the board.
Will I be a pawn, as dispensable a piece as it is ordinary, with its seven other brothers displaying the same function on the board? It leads a straight slow path, without major surprises and interesting turns. It can make a fatal difference, like a distinguished soldier in a war. Nevertheless it could never win the game.
Will I be a knight, which with its quizzical moves manages to encircle everyone around it. It can face major challenges, moving differently from anyone else, and yet, as powerful as it is, it could never win the war alone.
Will I be a bishop? This piece, together with its significant other, can rule the board. However alone, it only poses threats. This piece and its partner remind me the most of the concept of a soul mate: inseparable, they become unbeatable.
Will I be a rook, travelling easily through the board? Restless and threatening, it is a fortress. However, if one finds its weakness, the rook is doomed.
Check.
Will I be a queen, without boundaries, taking large steps in every direction? All powerful and greedy, it conquers the board to achieve its goal. It moves looking for its perfect position, leaving everyone else in awe and to re-order themselves around it. Strategic, ruthless and simply brilliant, the board isn't the same without her - it has no true leader.
Check.
And finally, will I be a king? The most crucial piece in the entire board and yet almost powerless. The reason for every piece's existence and yet it can't protect itself. Moves in every direction and yet a short single step at a time. And when finally the king is trapped, when all unnecessary lives have gone astray and when everyone's moves have reached their final purpose, the game ends, it's over.
Check mate.

Moonlit sky

Forget about threading softly, you've already smashed my dreams anyway.
For now I am here... caged
Can't free my wings and fly away
Can't go where I truly belong
Empty
Void
Desperate
Lonely

Can one feel completely alone in the middle of a crowd?
Even a crowd of friends...
People who you love and who love you...
and yet
they can't see
the wet tears which grew before you wiped it away
the deepness of your eyes looking away
the coldness of your arms in need of a hug
the fake curve of your smile
Smile like you mean it
Yes
and go through life without letting people see you
Build a wall around the darkest corners of your heart
People don't care anyway
They may pretend to
but they honestly don't
they usually can't be bothered
and when they can, they have their reasons
this is today's society, with all its selfishness

Oh, how my mind wanders off sitting in a pier looking at the full moon
Oh, how my heart aches with dreams that so far don't come true
Oh...

Storytelling

In 2008, when applying for NYU, I was asked the following question, to which I replied.

Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself.
Limit your response to 7 lines, or approximately 500 characters. If you need additional space, please use the "Additional Information" page (page 7).

Throughout my family tree, a vital trait has always been a profound passion for history and its telling. History bestows knowledge which cannot ever be taken away from you, according to Dumas.

Our love for story-telling has probably emerged from Judaism. At family gatherings, ancient and modern stories are always retold with the same punch lines.

My family history and my own stories intertwined have helped to shape my character. By learning about my origins, I learn about myself, thus capable of finding my own path.

Though I had only 500 god-damned characters to use - I remember I traded the word "strong" for "vital" because it had one less character - I meant it when I spoke of the importance of storytelling. Stories have changed me and my way of viewing the world, even if they were fiction - imagine that!

I become a filmmaker in order to tell stories to the world. Stories which build character, which excite, which provoke, which make you cry, laugh or love... alas, stories give you knowledge and knowledge remains forever.

Naïve

Basic movie plot: sweet girl meets bad boy.

As opposites, they attract one another

Throughout all that, the boy insists that he’s no good for her

She doesn’t believe that

How could she?

Her imagination has gone wild with thoughts

And though truth stares at her face,

Girl falls for boy

But…

The bad boy is indeed a bad boy

And more often than not, her heart ends up broken

Boys – and girls if I may say so

Use the powerful weapon of manipulation

And although foretold,

We insist on falling for it

As above, the boy did warn her

What if she only listened…

People

I find it interesting how a life is defined by the people one encounters
How thoughts one might have, were placed there by another brain
How feelings one may have, are directly related to someone else's

People pass you by every single day
Some stay forever, whether you like it or not
Other just run through, leaving a part of them behind
A dozen have known you since kindergarten, though wouldn't name your last name even upon torture
Then there is a handful you bond within a day and remember for an eternity
There are too those people who you could never picture your life without
Those few whose laughs, sorrows and loves are deeply connected to your own
The ones who first knew your ambitions, your first times, your disappointments...
They all leave a mark.

Although everyone is completely alone in this world
We are all made of bits and pieces of everyone around us
Whether real or fiction, whether lasting or temporary
These people made me who I am today
And for that, I gracefully thank them.

Eyjafjallajokull

I’ve been too long asleep

Can’t stand it, can’t help it

Years come and go

I stay silent

Breathing in and out

Feel as dead inside

As the barrier covering me

Must break it

Break the ice

Break the rules

Just break free

I can feel it coming

Mounting within me

An explosion that will change all

Like lava from a volcano

And when it erupts

I’ll leave

Everything behind

And head to where I’ve always wanted to go

Finally

I’ll go home

Nice Little Town Called Everwood

A while ago - a.k.a. 2002 - there began a series on TV called "Everwood". It all started when Dr. Andrew Brown's (Treat Williams) life changed forever, with his wife's car crash. Hence he took his children Ephram (Gregory Smith) and Delia (Vivien Cardone) and moved to a nice quaint town called Everwood in the middle of nowhere Colorado.

I had never given much thought, but I see now how this series manages to show the best ways to handle stressful and sometimes unfair events. Whether it's Colin Hart's (Mike Erwin) coma or Amy Abbott's (Emily VanCamp) depression, it talks about many subjects, which we would rather not have to deal with. With humorous dialogues between the doctors and a love which develops throughout the series, we kind of wish for a life resembling theirs - not always simple, but at least hopeful.

Every aspect leads to reflection. I have truly lost count of how many times I have cried watching it. I have already lost people, been through depression, liked someone - who didn't like me back - and tasted the undying bitterness of failure. I relate to it - I am Jewish, but unorthodox like the Brown family and I've played the piano my whole life, although much more poorly than Ephram...

Nevertheless everyone can put themselves in the characters' shoes. Who hasn't felt left out on a first day at a new school? Or feel in love with someone in an impossible situation? Or found truly unexpected friends? And especially who doesn't constantly fight their parents? The series manages to teach the best way to act in such an occasion or simply remind you that you are not the only one there.

A personal favorite - I hereby proclaim my everlasting admiration for "Everwood".