The Graduation Dream

I had a very weird dream last night. I dream I was going to graduate in school (again) - I knew it was at school because I remember I would be meeting my German teachers. Well, the graduation would take place in two hours or so and I wasn't ready. I still had to do my hair. I know the dream didn't begin there, but the first thing I recall it going to the hair stylist with Ingrid, I think. The receptionist told me they were too busy, but I urged her, as it was an emergency. As it usually happens, she asked me to wait. I went to a sort of waiting room, but it was actually a movie theatre lobby - I'm not saying it makes sense. There I met Anna Israel and the three of us - Anna, Ingrid and me (although I have a vague sense that the twins were there as well) - talked for a while. I distinctively remember Anna still with her broken foot, because she had it on a cushion. I suddenly remembered I was supposed to check the hair appointment, so I went outside and ran two blocks or so to it. Remember I had been in the waiting room - yeah, well... I got there and they had no time for me. OK, I though, no biggy, it's just my graduation. And I honestly didn't think much of it. I figured I should meet the girls in the movie theatre again, so I ran there. But I couldn't find it anywhere... I ran the two block, ran some more and nothing. I then ran back the other way, figuring I had gone wrong at some point. Then I found myself beside a field, where I met Laís, Guto and a bunch of other people I don't remember. They were sweet as always, but I was determined to find the theatre, so I ran off again. I finally gave up at some point and admitted I was lost. So I ran - yeah, I did a lot of running - back to the field to meet Laís and Guto again. The field was absolutely beautiful and I found them. I remember running some more, meeting some school seniors, not caring about what I would wear to graduation and being terribly late. That's all.

So... Now I wonder why I dreamt it. It has probably a lot to do with the fact that I'm part of the shooting crew of graduation at the university today. But as I sit here looking at the graduates coming in, I can't help, but to remember my own graduation, my Abitur graduation. My father was late as usual and I didn't take a single picture with my parents. Not one... I only realized this days later and I started sobbing in my bedroom. I felt as if they didn't care. I had taken loads of pictures, with my teachers, with my friends, FOR my friends with THEIR parents, but none with my own parents. We just forgot... This must mean something, right? What's wrong in a parent-child relationship for the parents not to care when their daughter graduates? I see here all the lighten aces beside me now. The fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters (my siblings couldn't come to graduation because they live in São Paulo... lame excuse), grandmothers, grandfathers, cousins... Some have brought flowers, cards with saying, cornets... I know my family won't bring a thing, they are just not the type.

I don't know if I dreamt what I did, because of this or if it was because I was shooting at the graduation... I just know I remembered me crying when I found out I had no pictures with them. It just isn't normal for parents and children to be like this. It just ain't. This was almost two years ago and right now, I've never felt so distant from my parents. We live in the same house, under the same roof, but we don't share a home. We don't share meals, we don't call each other, we barely talk. This just saddens me deeply and I have no idea how to react to this. I mean, they are the grown-ups here. My mum practically hates my guts and my father thinks I'm unstable. Seriously, they have no interest in my life - nor apparently I in theirs - and they know me way less than my closest friends.

PS: I honestly think Laís & Guto might have appeared in the dream, because they are a parenting figure, like when they held my hand to take the flu vaccine and when they baby-talk me into agreeing on something.